Can someone speak for a particular subset of the male gender and explain the whole “pants sagging” concept to me? I just… I just don’t understand the appeal behind that fashion trend. I really thought it’d die out in the early 2000s like pocketless, low rise jeans and the whale tail but evidently, I was wrong.
So much wrong
And to clarify, I don’t mean men letting their Levi’s dip an inch or two below their hips. No no. I’m talking about having their whole damn ham hock out or somehow balancing their waistband just above the knee. I’m talking about looking like they stuffed both feet through their jeans, gave a slight tug upwards and then immediately ran out of energy and fucks and decided to leave the house despite the fact that they didn’t finish getting dressed. Yeah you in the black faded jeans with the red plaid boxers, you ain’t dressed bro, you’re still getting dressed. Finish the job already. Pull those pants up and over that booty hump, you can do it, I have faith in you.
One of the many times I’ve wanted to ask Beiber, “Whyyy?”
I’ve been waiting for a guy to admit just how inconvenient it is to walk bowlegged with one hand essentially glued to the front of his jeans all damn day. I just want to grab a dude and be like, “Come here kid, come here. Let me let you in on a little secret- There’s this nifty device called a belt that’ll hold your pants at whatever height your heart desires AND will free that hand right up! Could you imagine how much you could accomplish with TWO hands?!”
Or, I don’t wanna blow anyone’s mind or anything but, there’s also this crazy concept of buying jeans in a size that’s an inch or two from your natural waist size. Doing so wouldn’t require the need to match a belt to your shoes AND would still eliminate the penguin shuffle and the internal struggle over deciding which hand gets to be productive and which hand is stuck babysitting your pants. Incredible!
Now, don’t misunderstand my intention, folks. I’m not calling for an Urkel revival, no no. I totally understand that it’s comfortable to give yourself a few extra inches and to not batten down the hatches right across your hip bones but I’m getting real tired of seeing men’s asses every damn day when they’re wearing perfectly good pants that could easily perform the duty they were created for. Real. Tired. I didn’t put in my contacts this morning so that I could see a plethora of butts all damn day with 20/20 vision.
My therapist told me that I can’t control others’ actions and that I need to learn how to let things go so with that in mind *deep breath and shout out to Dr. Yates* I’d like to make a few simple requests for those who insist on sagging their pants to consider:
Please wear underwear. Boxers, briefs, tighty whities. I don’t care. Just wear some sort of underwear. The other day, a man sat down next to me on the bus and his bare ass was what made contact with the bus seat. Yes, a hairy man butt was un-underweared, un-pantsed, and on a seat that unsuspecting women and child and properly dressed men use day in and day out.
And! Because that previous request apparently needs to be made-
Please wear clean and/or unstained underwear. I’ve seen too many boxers with something brown caked along the middle seam for me to not make this particular plea.
And now, I’d like to use this paragraph to thank the men who don’t sag their pants and I’d like to thank the men who are now considering correcting their ways. Y’all are the real MVPs.